Monday, October 27, 2008

The Married Life - Last Ep

The next day, the sun was bright. I told myself it will be a good day. I prepared my tea and turned on my laptop and finally checked my phone for unread messages. There was none. Unfortunately, when I went to "messages", it was still there -- Thad's well wishes for me to complete myself by finding a relationship.

Damn it. I thought I'm already over this thing. Apparently, this message is still bothering me, more like haunting me and I still can't figure out why. Is it just me? Or is the message itself offensive? To find out, I called in the most reliable shrink in the city, my true confidante and the person who snaps me back into perspective in times of silly crisis like this: George.

'Fuck Carrie! Fuck Jerry Maguire! Fuck them all!'

And he is not in a good mood whenever someone pisses me off like this. He's what you would call a real friend.

'Asking someone to complete you is not true love. That's being an opportunist!'
'Believe me, it's sometimes even sad because you feel more alone -- because you're always dependent on the other person.'

George is in Public Relations and he is in a relationship with a not-so-hot, but super sweet and thoughtful TV producer. He says he's happy in the relationship, but he would never EVER call it a marriage.

'That's the most condescending thing 'coupled' people can ever say to singles.'
'I know!'
'You don't complete yourself in another person.'
'I don't!'
'It's always a decision ANYONE can make, single or otherwise!'

Later that day, I tried not to think about. I decided to walk down Ayala Avenue and celebrate my choice of being a single-slash-not-looking-now-or-anytime-soon. As I passed by Krispy Kreme, I thought of a getting one of those new Hershey's donuts. Then I thought, Thad works in one of those buildings. Seeing me have my Krispy Kreme moment alone is not a good idea.

But just before I left, I took a final look at the bright 'Fresh Donuts' sign and noticed the man facing the street looked familiar. As I looked more closely, I realized it was the unfriendly married friend Thad.

At that point, I had the choice of walking away. But I thought I should confront him now and end this. After all, he wasn't alone. I think it's about time I meet this husband of his and get my message across.

When I walked in, he immediately saw me. He waved and looked at the man sitting beside him.

'See? I don't need to be married to see my 'married' friends.' I made the hand gesture for quotation marks.

The man looked uncomfortable. His face read, 'Who the fuck is this?'

'This is Kai, my friend from college.'
'Nice to meet you Husband of Thad.'

He was shocked after I blurted the word 'Husband'. He pulled Thad's arm and whispered something to his ear. I read his lips and I couldn't be wrong.

'You told him?'
'Relax, he's my friend.'
'You're fucked up.'
'No wait.'

He stood up, but Thad was still holding his left arm.

'Chill, he won't talk.'
'I told you to shut the fuck up.'
'Keep your voice down.'
'We'll talk later.'

He took one last angry look at me and stormed out of the donut shop.

I told him: 'Well, that was a pleasant way to greet your husband's friend...'

It was at that point when I realized the 'Married Life' he was so proud of was more of a torture than fantasy.

'Sorry about that he's...'
'Not out, I understand. As usual.'
'And he doesn't want to be called that.'
'I didn't you did.'
'I did?'
'Yes, you did. Remember that, good luck message?'
'Yeah silly you.'
'I have to go. He's just waiting at the corner.'
'Okay, well, go get your husband before he divorces you tonight. Hahaha.'

The only response I got was a frown. Something tells me, that joke wasn't funny.

What's the point of a married life if the person you're married to is not into it?

I thought about what happened at Krispy Kreme today. I realized that he probably didn't mean anything when he said that to me. He probably wanted me to have a partner so I would look like I understand what is going on with them as supposed to being a happy single guy laughing at them as they cut each other's head off.

The married life may be happening to someone else out there. Who knows, maybe it does exist even in the absence of a real wedding ceremony.


Monday, October 20, 2008

The 'Married' Life part two

As I thought about it, Thad had a good point. Carrie did get married in the movie. But now does that mean everyone else has to do the same thing? Aren't singles given credit for making the choice of their marital status? And whenever failed relationships happen, especially for marriages, do you have to keep searching for 'the one'?

Our texting spree didn't really end with the mention of Sex and the City. He asked how I am doing now and I said I'm fine. I got out of a relationship - or pseudo whichever is more appropriate for you -- and I am currently not looking. Surprisingly, I was telling the truth.

'Well, I'm glad you're okay. I wish you more success and finally a relationship so your life would be complete.'

I didn't bother replying to that message. What does it mean? Does a relationship always complete someone's life? Or is it life's big lid that controls the life of a happy and carefree single guy?

Later that day, I decided I couldn't let this pass without asking for my friends' opinions on the matter. I called Joe and he noticed that I sounded so upset.

'My friend Thad thinks I'm lonely.'
'Did he say that?'
'No, but he wished me good luck in finding myself a relationship to complete my life.'
'I hate it when people say that.'
'Like it's a pill you have to take to keep your sanity!'
'Like it's a lubricant you have to put on your cock to make your life more pleasurable.'
'When did having a relationship become a prerequisite to a successful and happy life?'
'WHy does it bother you so much?'
'Because I hate to think that people are now looking at me saying Poor boy, he doesn't have a boyfriend. He'll grow old and lonely.'
'Who the fuck cares what they think. I go to bars alone but I always make sure I don't leave alone.'

That's the thing about single guys. We can hook-up whenever and wherever. But is it enough to show this to those 'married guys'?

'Kai, this isn't a contest where you need to show your medal to your friends.'
'Apparently, it is.'
'WHy so?'
'Thad said I will see his quote unquote husband when I'm also married so we can have a double date.'
'WHat the fuck?'
'Yeah what the F.. now it's a prerequisite to a nice dinner with a friend too.'
'Then why don't you just get a date?'

I didn't think about that. But now that he brought it up, I thought it would be a bad idea.

'Even worse because he might think I'm just pretending to be happy.'
'Are you?'
'No, I don't think I have to pretend.. I mean...'
'No, I mean -- are you happy?'

And that's the question we've all been wanting to answer.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The 'Married' Life part one

Gays in manila are often fond of calling their relationship a 'marriage'. While gay marriage is yet to be legalized in this country, some of us have managed to live as married couples, share an apartment, buy groceries together, try to finish each other's sentences and all the brouhaha. I don't see anything wrong with it but I can't help but make a funny face whenever someone is being introduced to be as someone's ASAWA*.

This came to mind when one day I was bored and I decided to get in touch with some very old friends - the one you've met when you were younger, more energetic, and more sexually-confused. One of those friends is Thad, a manager who works at some insurance company.

Thad and I went to the same university. We were both in the closet back then and I had absolutely no idea that he has part of our world. The secret came out when I told him I met with his friend Chris, who then volunteered to help me on a paper I was doing for our communications class. We met online.

'Hey, I met your friend.'
'Which one?'
'Chris... he's helping me with my paper.'
'How'd you meet him?'
'We met online. We just chatted and he said he could help.'

Thad just stood there, not knowing how to react to what I said. Apparently, 'chatting with Chris' always meant chatting with him on the Bi-manila channel, a popular chatroom for PLUs.

He later confessed that he already knew about me and that now we're both out we've got nothing else to hide.


Fast forward 5 years later. Thad got an early success in his career. He got a high-paying job and he said he's in a very special relationship.

I texted him to ask how this special love of his is doing.

'I'm completely happy with my married life.'
'Oh really? And when do I meet this husband of yours?'
'Someday when you're also married. SO we can have a double date!'

I didn't know what to say. I gave it a good 5 minutes before I replied:

'That's a mean thing to say. What if I'm Carrie Bradshaw? I'm always single!'
'Kai, even Carrie realized married life is happier. She eventually tied the knot, didn't she?'

And there, in my room while holding my cellphone, I started cursing at Carrie Bradshaw and the writers of Sex and the City.

*Asawa is the Filipino term for spouse

Friday, October 10, 2008

The End of the Show - Porntifications 5.0

Dating Buck was more fun that I thought. First, he was the perfect candidate for a trophy boyfriend. While he refused to go to the fabulous gay district for even a shot of vodka or a bottle of beer, he tries to compensate by making me feel like his real partner when we're in the straight zone -- the malls, the bank, the streets.

One time at Krispy Kreme, a young kid was looking at us funny because we were sharing one glazed donut. There were two guys at the table next to ours who were gawking at us. They were obviously a couple so I didn't understand why there were acting strange.

'I know. Let's pretend you have something on your lip and I'll lick it off.'
'Are you crazy? You'll have us arrested.'
'For what?'
'Being in the straightzone. Chill.'

I admit it was a fun idea. ANd knowing that Buck was willing to do that in front of these people is great. He was really comfortable with the idea that we're together. I like that.

'In Toronto, you can kiss anybody. And I mean anybody.'
'SO you've kissed the entire town?'
'Toronto and the neighboring parts.'
'Yeah... that's AWESOME. REALLY.'

I was still quite uncomfortable with the idea that I'm dating someone who jacks off for a living. But you know what they say about relationships -- it's always a compromise.

And that's what I tried to do. Since we were both busy with our 'jobs', I decided he should stay at my apartment for a while.

'Besides, I have this cool poster. It's big enough to be your backdrop.' He smiled like a kid.

So here's how our day would normally be like: We'd wake up together. Shower together. Dress up together. I always tell him that he doesn't need to wear his long sleeves and tie but then he said: 'My customers like it. It's for my office guy show.'

He was a pretty creative guy. I've seen some of his shows. I encouraged him to wear a mask and he did. He'd usually play the role of a corporate guy who likes porn and who jacks off every time he gets home. He cut some boards and put it in front of the camera. The trick is to make it look like you are in the building across his place and you are trying to take a peek at the masturbating neighbor.

And the show was great. Guys online loved him and I'm surprised that they do send money before, during and after the show.

Friday's are, well, called Thank Greg it's Fucking Friday. He still hasn't told me why he picked the name Greg. TGIFF is when you bid for the next move. For example, if you want to see his ass, we'll start at 20 dollars. If you want him to play with it, that's gonna cost 5 more. If you want him to put a dildo in it, then that's 50-dollar show.

These shows last for less than an hour. It's a private show so the customers are the only ones who can see what they bid on. The more guys bid, the more money he gets. He gets a maximum of 8 customers a night.

By the time I get home, he'd be like a dead fish lying on my bed. I'll kiss him goodnight and he'll try to start making love. I'll tell him he's tired and he'll say he's sorry he's not giving me enough time -- a.k.a. enough sex. So he decided he won't be taking any jobs every Sunday because that's when the real sex happens.

'So you have sex only once a week?'

Joe was the only one I told about the whole Buck thing not because he's the only one I trust with this information but because he's the only one I know who can handle it.

'Does a blowjob count?'
'He must be really tired everyday...'
'You bet. He does 8 shows every night.'
'Does he cum in each show.'
'He used to. When he only had 3-4 shows but when he started doing more he figured he should use fake cum.'
'Yeah, cumming for 8 times a night isn't healthy.'
'So you can't do that? Joe, I'm disappointed!'

He looked insulted. Joe is confident that he is one of the most effective sexual machines on the planet and saying that isn't going to help boost his reputation.

'Well, I'm not crazy enough to cum every hour!'
'Hahaha I figured.'
'I'm serious! It's going to kill my legs.'
'Oh yeah... I know. Remember that time when I was bored and I was in my apartment? I jacked off the entire day. About 8 times I believe and boy did it hurt so much.'
'That's 8 times with an interval of...'
'Oh definitely more than an hour.'
'I thought so.'

Later that night, I asked him if he could take some time off his 'work' and have dinner with me. Unfortunately, the businessman said he had to meet his target profit by end of the week and he's not anywhere near it. So I decided to have dinner with Joe instead.

'Where's your guy?'
'Oh, he's in a business meeting.'
'Ooohhh sexy.'

Joe was awfully quiet that night. It seemed as if he wanted to tell me something but he couldn't.

'You've been sitting like a statue there. Talk to me.'
'Well... I have a confession to make.'
'Let's hear it.'
'Okay but first, how are today?'
'Oh let's cut the crap and get with the program I'm starting to get bored.'

He grabbed a cigarette and gave me one too. His hands were shaking. He looked scared. Of what?

'I saw it.'
'Mamma mia? Great! Told you it was good!'
'No, the other show.'
'Which one?'
'You man's show.'

I coughed as I was about to exhale with the thick smoke from my mouth.

'You what?'
'Okay, don't get mad. I just thought I should see if you were telling me the truth.'
'Why would I lie to you?'
'I don't know. But you were right. He was good. Great!'
'So is this going to happen everyday?'
'NO, he's pretty expensive. And for you, I won't.'
'No, I mean -- am I now going to bump into each and every customer of my porn star?'
'You said they were all from other countries right?'
'Not the ones who've been sending him money through his cellphone.'
'You can do that?'

I frowned. He shut his mouth for his sake.

When I got home that night, I was greeted with some ahhhs and ooohhhs in my apartment. There were crumpled pieces of tissue paper lying around and my place smelled like cum. He said hi to me and gave me a gesture that means 'I'm busy, someone's watching me.'

'Hushhhh...' He put his hand on his finger. The man was still watching.

'You have to stop. Get out. I'm done.'
He stood up. Typed the words 'One minute'. The guy stayed online. He paid 15 dollars to see this shit.

'What's the matter baby?'
'I'm done. I'm done. I'm done.' That's all I could say.
'Look, I thought you understood.'
'I did. I still do. That's why you have to leave.'
'Kai.. baby..'
'I now understand that I can't do this.'
'come on..'
'Yeah, cum that's what my place smells like.'
'Look, I'm gonna clean up and we'll talk okay. Right now I have...'
'You have a customer huh?'
'Hunny, just let me cum and he's gone okay? He paid 15 dollars to see this and he's not going anywhere.'

I disconnected his webcam from the laptop. He looked down and kicked the chair.

'I'm sorry aight? I said I'm sorry.'
'Yeah, I'm sorry too Buck.'

I let him finish his 2 other shows that night. He must have earned 30-50 dollars.

The next day, Buck moved out.

Buck was still one of my great fucks.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Porntifications 4.0

Later that week, I tried my best to avoid Buck. He texted me like a hundred times but before I could read the message I press delete and go back to my life trying to take my mind off the '50-dollar jack off live show'.

'Do you think he was kidding? 50 dollars is a lot for just seeing someone enjoy himself.'

Joe is the one person I turn to when it comes to the Buck issue. He's sexually active and he dates any guy -- and I mean JUST ANY guy. I figured he would have a better view of the whole situation.

'I thought so too. But then he said the guy's old and rich. It was his first and last expensive jack-off session.'
'I just can't believe someone would pay that amount to see someone touch himself.'
'On webcam...'
'Yeah, see that's what I'm saying. You can get someone to do it for 100 pesos.'
'I frowned. 'That's not even 5 dollars!'
'That's my point.'
'DO you think he's just lying?'
'Why, do you have another theory?'
'He's pretty gorgeous. What if he's really an escort?'
'I think he's a pretty decent guy.'
'Decent enough to jack off for 50?'
'Dollars -- don't let anyone think it's for a third world's currency.'


After talking to Joe, I wondered why I was so bothered about the whole thing. People do crazy stuff to survive in the jungle and he was no different from us animals. Joe made a good point: he's too gorgeous to be an escort - too gorgeous that he'd be ridiculously overpriced and would be charging more for tips.

So after a few more missed calls and some more text messages, I decided I was ready to have a little chat with the porn star.

Kaionthego: Buzz!
BuckF: HEY, I called like a hundred times
Kaionthego: Yeah, sorry.
BuckF: Sorry I freaked you out.
Kaionthego: No, it's just me. I was just surprised.
BuckF: Of course, you were.
Kaionthego: I thought you would say you're Paris Hilton's lost brother or something.
BuckF: Haha [smiley] Unfortunately, I'm not.
Kaionthego: [smiley]
BuckF: Can I call you?
Kaionthego: Sure.

Less than 10 seconds later, we were on the phone. And this time, I was controlling the conversation.

'Tell me the truth.'
'Did you just make that all up to cover the fact that you're a male escort?'
'What? What are...'
'That you get paid by rich and arrogant queens?'
'No, what are you talking..'
'And if you like them you suck them too?'

I realized I had to. I was talking way too fast I couldn't keep up with myself. It was an ambush interview with the porn star.

'I am not going to explain what I do anymore. I just told you -- only you because I know you will understand and because I like you.'

There was an uncomfortable pause.

'I'm still here.' I finally managed to say a few words.
'It's not like what you think, no.'
'Of course, it's not.'
'Hey, don't patronize me.'
'I'm not. I'm just talking.'
'So can I finally see you?'
'Gee, I don't know. Don't you have a show at 9AM Central time?'

He made a sound that made me realize he was getting annoyed.

'Alright. Alright. Fine.'
'And that's 9PM MANILA time for you.'
'I hope you're wearing something...'
'I hope I won't be by the end of the night.'

And so we went to that new restaurant -- the same one where we were supposed to go when he broke the news about his occupation. I realized, if you like someone, it won't matter whether he's a porn star or someone with poses for DNA or PlayGirl.

The important thing is that he does the most intimate thing with only you, to only you and only for you.

And that his wanking costs 50 dollars too.