Sunday, April 30, 2006

The Awful truth

Experts say... wait a second. Who are the experts anyway? People make claims left and right. One new study falsifies last year's. One doctor finds out something new and an entire book is declared obsolete. What is the truth about homosexuality? Where does it begin? What causes it? What external factors contribute to its existence in our society?

Here's one truth: not all truths can be discovered. Or maybe they eventually will. For now, we have to stick with what we see and think is the reason such things exist. My psychology professor once said he almost entertained the idea that the chromosomes had something to do with himosexuality. It MAY run in the family. But we've seen a lot of families out there who never had a gay son or relative until now. Genetics does not really answer it.

For me, I never really knew when it started. I can share with you, however, the time I was forced to be gay, which might have contributed to it. When I was five or six, we lived in my grandma's place. It had five rooms. One was for my family, one for the maid, one for my grandma, one for the guest, and one for my three cousins (2 guys and a girl).

Nathan was 18. He was much taller than me back then. He was the eldest, hence the most dominant of the three siblings. Because everybody thought he ought to be responsible, he was always left with me in the house when everyone else had to leave for their own responsibilities.

I guess you know how this story goes. I could have sworn his dick was the largest I have ever seen. It had a round, big head with lines leading to its end. The shaft alone was too big for a 5-year-old to hold. At first, I was just asked to hold his dick while he moans. I had absolutely no idea what we were doing. All I knew was that we were not going to play games in the afternoon if I didn't do it.

Then it started to get dirtier. HE asked me to put his dick in my mouth and pretend it's one of those juicy lollipops he bought me from the market. I never liked the taste of it. I never knew I was already administering fellatio. I never realized all of this until I turned 7.

One time, I got so tired of it. My neck hurts whenever I do it. It was pretty boring and I noticed there might be something wrong with what we were doing but I was just too young to understand what it is. I tried to avoid him and stopped playing with him. But he always would find a way to let the folks at home to leave me with him. I hated it. I really did.

One night, electricity went out. When Aquino was installed as President, the brownouts were rampant. We always had to endure long hours of no light and fan. At six o'clock, I would start to get dark. People were busy preparing dinner downstairs and the kids would have to be with their cousins upstairs.

Nathan and his siblings' room has two beds on a double deck. The girl rarely sleeps in the room because she stays with her mom up north. The lights were off. My sister was playing with Benjo, the younger brother. I was with them on the upper deck. My sister and I fought because she cheated on our thumb wrestling game. She asked me to leave the room and I almost did. But Nathan stopped me and said I could stay in his deck. I was scared. And I later realized I had to be. He made me do it again. This time however, was slightly different. His penis was slightly wet and juice came flowing out of it. He wiped it right away. Five minutes later, I was sucking his dick instead of eating something healthier.

I guess the worst and best thing that happened was when we were left in the house for two hours. Everyone had to go to a party and kids were not welcomed. My sister stayed in my cousin's place. Before he cooked food, he asked me to kis his dick. I did as asked. I thought it was the last. Then when we were about to sleep, he asked me: 'Do you like milk?' I immediately said no because I don't drink milk. The last time I had one was when I was a baby.

Then somehow, he asked me to suck his dick again--this time more vigorously. He asked me to hold it and go as fast as I can. Go up. Go down. Up. Down. Up Down. In circles. Hold the shaft. At one point I got tired and just started to masturbate him. He refused and he said it's almost out. What's 'almost out' is something I never heard him say before.

A few minutes later, his dick erupted with white, smelly liquid which he said was milk. 'It's healthy'. I argued I don't drink milk. I had some in my mouth. Some spilled over my left cheek. I asked him what the hell that was. He said it again: Milk. I grabbed his towel and spit everything out. I ran downstairs and was happy to find my parents who just got home. Good thing the party ended earlier.

Fast forward to 2001. I was the confused one. I kept on remembering what happened years ago between Nathan and I. I realized it wasn't just a game we played. And I looked at myself at the mirror and started to tell myself that now I know when I started to be gay. I least I knew unlike the others.

1 comment:

  1. I pray past pain punctuating this post has not followed you into the future