Friday, June 29, 2007
No matter how free this country claims to be, I can't help but wonder why we are not free of our old ideologies and stereotypes. Gay relationships are still hiding under the blanket of criticism and sometimes hate. I often wonder how many unreported cases of violence against gay men have occurred. How many have died? How many survived? How many are still out there to get us?
My taste of violence is quite different though. He was also gay. Only he is one of those 'extremely-closeted ones' who would rather die than to let other people know, other than his partner, that he is gay.
I met Joseph at the gym. Now a typical story would start with either one of us crusing inside the sauna or shower area. But ours started as a trainer-gym member relationship. When he helps me stretch, he gives me a boner. When he talks to me about being healthy, I think of him as my future husband. When he rushes to help me lift weights, I feel that he's concerned for me. I really liked the guy. And I told myself that I'd get him no matter what.
It wasn't easy. I tried numerous invitations to my pad but he always turns them down. There were moments in the shower area when I thought he was already giving me signals. How can a straight guy be so comfortable in taking a bath, naked, knowing a gay guy is right beside him looking at his ass. Or maybe he didn't know I was gay?
'You have to come.'
'Sure when?' I grinned.
'This Friday. There's an exhibition. Here.'
I forgot to mention that aside from being a certified gym instructor and Physical Therapist, he is also one of the well-known masters of Mixed Martial Arts in the country. He liked the action. He liked violence. But at the end of each grueling session, where someone goes home wounded, even bleeding, beaten like a cat who snatched a food at the kitchen, he always make it a point to treat the opponent with respect.
I expected the same thing from him. So I agreed to jointhe MMA club he organized at the gym. It felt great to release all the tension from work and just bring it all out in the octagon. While I was treated as a beginner in each group session, Joe would always make me stay for at least another hour to train with him.
On a rainy Friday night, the receptionist put out the lights at the gym except in the octagon area. We were sweating and there's no sign that Joe wanted to stop training.
'I'm getting tired.'
'No, you're not.' He charged and pushed me with his broad shoulders and pinned me down.
'Oh, that one hurt.'
'No pain no gain.'
'Yeah but no back no good. You're killing me. I'm a neophyte.'
'If you train harder...'
'Hey, I didn't say I wanted to be.. ahahhah!'
He flipped me around, wrapped his legs around mine. It was like a real wrestling match.
'Okay, Joe, seriously. You gotta let me rest.'
'You want this right?'
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
During the whole Smallville experience, I smoked tobacco. I liked it better than a Marlboro or a Winston. Smallville didn't smoke. So one time when he parked his Mitsubishi SUV, he asked me what I was holding.
'That's bad for your health.'
I blushed. Why would he say such thing if he really didn't care for my health. Things like this make my day. Smallville makes my day. So whenever I find time to talk to him, I would--even if it would cost me the important hours of sleep I needed for both work and school.
Our boarding house has a balcony. A note from the landlady says: 'Smoke here.' So I did. It was early in the morning and my pupils have barely adjusted to the rising sun. I lit my tobacco, puffed, and sat on the chair at the balcony. Then I heard a door open. I turned to see if it was the landlady. I hate seeing her because she always tells me to close the glass door as the smoke might get into her room and she might suffocate. It was the real intention of the boarders, including me.
But it wasn't her. Instead, Smallville's door opened. I saw the most beautiful smile I saw in many years. The more exciting this about it is that the man who wore it was half naked and was covered by a towel which hardly covers his entire body.
‘Hi, thought you were in school.’
‘ I was. But the professor didn’t show up so I’m here.’
‘So you’re taking a bath…again?’
‘Didn’t take a bath earlier haha! I was running late so I just wore my perfume.’
He went into the bathroom as I feel my dick throb. It’s nice to get the morning wood with double the sensation, thanks to a young, hot man who greets you in the morning. With every splash of water I hear, I imagine him naked in that bathroom, washing his face, then his neck, soaping his chest down to his abs, and then splashing water on his dick.
When he was done, I came in my pants. What came out was not a man but a Greek god who just got out of his daily bath at the Fountain of Youth. His hair was still wet and water was racing down from his soft hair. Instead of running to our room, he noticed me still at the balcony, this time without a tobacco. Did he find out that I was waiting for him?
‘Hey, you’re still here.’
‘Yeah. Hey, you workout?’ Obviously, a body like that would have given the answer right away. But he responded anyway.
‘Yeah but not the regular gym workout. I’m with the rowing team.’
‘That explains the pecs.’
He giggled while running his hand across his chest, as if seducing me with his sexy nipples. I tried to look away but it was impossible. Smallville was a powerful force which cannot be resisted.*
There were times when I asked myself if he was playing the usual closet gay’s game. Once, I was preparing my food for school in the kitchen, he started to talk to me again. This is the nice thing about him. He really likes to talk. I didn’t have a hard time finding an opportunity to spend time with him because when he sees me, he always had a story to share.
So on that particular day in the kitchen, I had another interesting conversation with him. He was wearing a basketball jersey, showing his huge biceps. If I had it my way, I’d ask him to take it off. It was pretty hot in the kitchen anyway. While I was slicing my food, he came a little closer, allowing his huge arms to touch mine. I felt a sudden euphoria. Then I thought maybe the kitchen was just too small for the two of us that’s why our skins have touched. Nevertheless, the feeling was exhilarating. There was nothing more I want than to be accidentally touched by the Greek god who lives in the same boarding house.
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
What do I love about Allan? Well, his physique is excellent. As a member of the National Rowing Team, he managed to stay in great shape. His pecs are bulging and his biceps just want to make you cum in a New York minute. His hair is soft and flowing and his smile is intoxicating.
'I wanted to cut my hair short but I figured I could grow my hair to look like that Smallville guy.'
That's how he got his name. Indeed, Smallville does look like Tom Welling. The body, shape of the face and even the smile are very similar. Only, he's darker that the Hollywood actor.
Inside our room are two single beds and a double deck. I was on the 'first floor' while the one on top isn't occupied yet. The single beds were occupied by Smallville and another student of the same university. When I first saw him, he was in the kitchen. he looked like he just arrived so I thought he was just a guest. LAter I realized that the girl she was with was the guest and he was my roommate.
The conversations started when I arrived home one morning. I was juggling school with a full-time job at the call center. You can just imagine how little time I spend in the boarding house. I sleep for four hours and jump out of bed to attend class. Then, I take a cab to the office and work the whole night.
But not on that particular Thursday. His smile greeted me and so I decided to stay in the living room to chat with him. He told me he's a Business Administration major and would be graduating that year. I told him I'm a Journalism major. I found out he's in the Rowing Team.
I also found out that he has a girlfriend. Only I didn't believe he's straight.
Monday, June 18, 2007
The doctor asked me to turn around an bend over. He was going to stick his index finger into my ass. I was so fucking scared. To think, I have never even tried putting anything in my ass. He assured me that the he will use a 'good' lubricant. I told him to fuck off--in my head. Since I signed the form, the doctor was compelled to do the rectal examination.
'Is it REALLY going to hurt?'
'From your words of hesitation I gather that you haven't been finger fucked before.'
'Doctors use that term nowadays?'
'No, but technically it is called that.'
'Try to stick to the medical terms. Your own version is giving me the creeps.'
He put on his gloves. With a puckish smile on his face, he applied a big amount of lube onto his hands. 'See? The more the merrier.' He said sardonically. He seems to be enjoying the sight of my fat ass right in front of him. He tries to spread my butt cheeks as if saying hello to my asshole. 'Okay, just try to relax.'
But I couldn't relax. Especially when you know that a stranger's finger will be up your ass. Nevermind that he's a doctor. That fact doesn't make a difference. He tried to be as gentle as possible but my pain tolerance was close to 0.05%. My muscles started to contract. I moaned, not for pleasure, but because my legs became sore and my head was hurting just thinking about his finger or fingers in my ass.
'Husshhh. The next guy in line might hear you.'
'But doc! It REALLY hurts.'
He did this for the next four minutes. Oddly, halfway through the 'procedure', I felt something strange. A tingling sensation I wasn't expecting actually. My legs grew much weaker but there was some sort of a pleasurable sensation I felt along with it. The headache subsided and the doctor was now trying to maneuver his finger into something inside.
Suddenly, I came. And not just drops. My cock exploded.
The doctor smiled, as if relieved that the end of what was supposed to be a rectal examination, led to my unplanned and unepected orgasm. I didn't know what just happened.
'Okay, you seem to be feeling good. No, better now.'
'What was that about?'
'Did you like it?'
I stepped out of the office, not knowing how to compose my thoughts about what happened. A supposed painful medical examination turned into a pleasureable maneuver of the index finger in my ass. What the fuck happened?
Later, my doctor friend, who wished he was the one who did the procedure, told me it's called a PROSTATE MASSAGE.
'It's what we do to patients who are suffering from erectile dysfunction.'
'But I am not impotent... nor am I having problems in the crotch area.'
'I already figured that out by the time we started the third round a few months ago.' He kept bringing back the time when I slept with him. He liked me so much that he begged for a third round. The second was my idea. The third was a mercy fuck. Good thing the crotch area, like I said, is very much alive.
'Okay so why did he do that? Is it really part of the procedure?'
'Well, you said the doctor's obviously gay. I'm thinking he really likes you so he did it. Or...'
'Or it might have been an accident.'
'There are no accidents. Mistakes... yeah.'
'Not on this one. You see, this is why a lot of gay men, including myself, like their ass to be pounded. The cock, during the pumping action, touches a portion of our prostate, which produces the sperm in our testes. You don't need to completely touch the entire prostate. A mere accidental push will give a man so much pleasure that he may cum without warning.'
'So that's what you do to impotent men? You force them to cum?'
'Force is a harsh word. We help them cum. Just like when a Brazilian man jacks off on Cum Shots 4. They help us create the illusion while we jack off.'
'Uhm, I haven't seent Cum Shots 4.'
'You should. And Oh, also available are Cum Shots 1-3. Good stuff!'
'Will I miss a lot if I skip parts 1-3 and jump right into the masturbating Brazilian hunk?'
Thursday, June 14, 2007
What does it mean to be a Top or Bottom? Some people believe that choosing the role in a sexual play or a relationship is very psychological. If you choose to be dominant, you tend to be a top. If you choose to be dominated, you choose to be a bottom. Sometimes, I tend to disagree. Some tops love to be cared for and be passive while some bottoms just love their ass to get pounded. It's different in our world. Sex has a whole new meaning than just fucking and rolling over.
This was the topic of discussion on our way to the office. We were scheduled by the Human Resources department to undergo an annual Physical and Medical examination required by the company. I was with Tom, who describes himself as a 'power bottom who can eat your ass' on Guys4Men, and Cito, the 'Hard Top' on MIRC.
'You know, being a bottom has its advantages.'
'Oh yeah, what? Tell us.'
'You get that sensation when you get fucked. It's a feeling you can't describe.'
I always get scared when he talks about his sex life when we're in public. You just don't know what will come out of his mouth. I sat their quietly, while waiting for the nurse to hand us the forms.
'Aren't you afraid that the doctor's will see something in your ass?'
'Duh? I clean my ass every night.'
'You do? Ewww. That's the part of being a top that I really enjoy. You don't have to be the dirty one.'
'But you sometimes fuck a dirty ass.'
'Nevermind, lights are off and I ask the bottom to remove the condom while I hold my breath.'
Okay this conversation is definitely getting out of hand. The nurse was already looking at us, smiling while she probably imagines how Tom cleans his filthy ass. I decided to make fun of the situation:
'Aren't you afraid that since 80% of this city's guys have fucked you that your asshole just won't close one day?'
'Hahaha! Yeah! I remember Rei had diarrhea when he had 5 guys.'
'More like 8 or 9.'
The doctor called my name. He was short, probably in his early 30's, and obviously gay. He led me to one of the smaller HR offices. The glass windows were all covered so I figured each employee has to get naked inside. He asked me questions like what my allergies are, if I smoke or drink, and my family's history of illnesses.
He asked me to stand up. He pulled his chair to he can move closer and he held the button of my jeans.
'Uhm, what are you doing?'
' Oh, this is a physical exam. Sorry if I scared you. Please take off your pants. We'll check your penis.'
It was right then when I remembered checking the field on the form that says I agree to a genital and rectal examination. CRAP!
While taking off my pants, he gave me that look and asked, 'Do you workout?' I smiled and said I stopped. The love handles would attest to it. 'You look so young, how old are you?' The questions kept on going while I was nervous that my doctor was a sex maniac and I wasn't aware that I'm already being harrassed. The good thing is he hasn't touched me yet.
He put on the gloves and started touching my balls. 'You know Hernia is very common nowadays for guys your age.'
'Uhm, so are you saying I have it?'
'No, but it's a good thing you let me check your balls.' He smiled and looked down. 'At least now we know you don't have it.'
He held my penis which is at its lethargic state. 'Do you workout? Oh I believe I already asked that.' He asked a few more questions while he was analyzing my dick. He folded the skin away from the head. I can tell there was an attempt to masturbate but I really couldn't tell. After all, he's a doctor and he should be touching my dick to see if there's something wrong.
'What? What are those? Do I have STD? How come? I haven't been...'
'Relax. You're too nervous kid. I was about to say that people normally mistake this as a form of an STD. But it's not. These are just glands of the penis.'
(to be continued)
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
I told myself that I should get my own TV and DVD player. These gadgets come cheap nowadays. Unfortunately, this happened four years ago when I was still juggling work with school and saving money was of huge importance my life. Usually, I would be staying in my boadring house near the campus. But on one particular Saturday night, I decided to go home. The maid is out so this would mean I have the opportunity to do something I've been wanting to do: watch PORN.
*** Five Days ago ***
Becky and I stood beside a busy Dunkin Donuts store. We figured we should act as inconspicuously as possible. What could go wrong? We were going to pretend like we were curious about the new porn industry born right in front of an abandoned building which is undoubtedly the hottest craze of the year. We slowly made our way to the 'inner circle' where a young boy was trying to make his best offer yet.
'Bold-Bold-Bold!' The boy said, pointing at the latest Boading House Scandal sequel.
'No...' I politely said.
'Okay then, Man to Man!'
I gave the boy a weird look while Becky tapped me. She was trying to tell me that this is the opportunity for me to get the DVD without anyone noticing. The young boy, obviously noticing how awkward I've become looked at the older man beside him. The man then talked to me.
'Well sir, if it's not for you, you can give this to your friends who are...well, who like men.'
Unbelievable. Since when did porn become the new millennium's pasalubong. The young boy reappeared saying they have a promo. 3 DVDs for 100 pesos. It was a pretty good deal. And with Becky's expertise in bargaining, she got another movie for free. She handed me the 100 and she chose the best titles.
'How did you know they were the best titles?'
'Well, you like it big right?'
When I got home, the maid was already gone. It was 9PM, my dad's car wasn't there yet. Everybody else's sleeping upstairs. THIS IS IT.
I turned on the DVD and TV. The inlay says it's 'The Best Cum Jocks'. It boasts off their actors' 9-10 inch cocks. I was thrilled. I haven't seen two men in action. Well, I have been in action but I've never tried being part of an audience.
The movie started out with a hetero couple, a rich couple from Malibu. In the middle of the night, a man wearing a black spy suit barged into their home. The husband got up to get some water. The wife suddenly yelled 'Thief!'. The husband dropped the glass in shock. The thief brought tied the wife's hands with a rope and pushed her to the chair. He pointed the gun at the husband.
'I don't want her to get hurt. I'll do anything you want.'
'Oh yeah, take off your clothes.'
Oh it's getting hot in here. The man took off his clothes as the man pushed him to the sofa so he could lie on his chest. He uttered 'Fuck you'. The man ignored him. I was shocked when the thief just got naked and put his dick in the husband's ass. The man was struggling at first but you can quickly notice that he liked what the thief was doing. They fucked in several positions and all of these were happening while the wife was happening.
Pretty good story.
As both men were about to cum, I heard my dad's car arrive. Scared, I turned off the DVD even when the movie was still playing. I turned it on again to get the disc. I grabbed the two other movies and ran into my room. Nervous, I felt a little dehydrated. So I went downstairs to grab a drink and to say HI to my dad.
'Hi dad, good night!'
He didn't say anything. He was probably tired. He turned on the TV and I went back upstairs.
The next day, I received a text message five minutes after my Psychology 101 class started. The professor was giving a lecture on how drugs affect the nervous system. On my cellphone was a text from my sister:
'You are the dumbest gay guy ever!' I replied and it started a whole testing spree:
'You left your porn DVDs here! Dad saw it!'
I didn't know what to day. I remember grabbing all movies. I thought of an alibi.
'Oh, it's probably the Campus Scandal. That's a straight porn.'
'No Kai. The CD's got a lot of cocks on it. And they're huge!'
At that point, I didn't know whether to laugh or cry at my sister's statements. I did say I grabbed the two other CDs but I forgot that Becky had one other free CD due to the little boy's promo. FUCK! I am totally screwed, I said to myself.
Thank God I was staying in m boarding house and so I was able to avoid the biggest confrontation you can imagine. Five days after the whole incident, my dad and my sister had a serious conversation:
'Is Kai gay?'
'I think you know the answer.'
'Dad, I don't know. Is this about the porn you found?'
'I won't be mad. I just want to know so in case someone asks or someone makes fun of my son I'd know how to defend him.'
'Dad, I don't know. But you know Kai. He's not gonna go overboard. he's not a crossdresser or anything like that.
'So are you saying he is?'
'No I'm just saying I don't know.'
But she knew it. A few years before this incident happened I was drunk at a bar when she popped the question. I felt betrayed but it was the beginning of freedom.
Nowadays, I am more careful. I now have my own TV and DVD and I make my important purchases online or through someone I met on the internet. He sells gay titles, porn and even the popular US series and the best part of it is that he will meet you in private.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
There is an unspoken rule in our family that some things are better left unsaid. Hence, I’ve kept mum about my sexuality for a very long time now. Though it is quite evident that I prefer Mariah Carey over
My mother once attempted to find out the truth. I know that she knows but maybe she wants to have some sort of a confirmation—a kind of closure to the whole issue about my sexuality.
One time, there was a documentary entitled ‘Baklitas’ (Young gays). The 7-year-old boy was complaining about how his father is forcing him to act like a ‘real man’. He said he’s constantly asked to play basketball with his cousins and that if he blurts out ‘something gay’, his father would immediately throw him into the bedroom and punish him ‘until I make a man out of you.’
The young boy, bruised and crying from last night, asked, ‘What’s wrong with being gay?’ It was right then that my mom first gave me a sign that it was okay to tell her. ‘Yeah, I agree. Why not?’ She paused, as if waiting for me to react. I changed the channel while she kept talking about how okay it would be for her it she was the mother of that poor boy.
But like what I said, the unspoken rule still exists. I’d rather not discuss things like this because I feel that talking about it would make it look more like it’s not normal.
On a sunny Saturday morning, I was appalled at probably the most disturbing discovery I’ve ever had. On the sidewalk of Magallanes was a huge crowd, surrounding many vendors. But that wasn’t the shocking part of it. What surprised me is that they were selling porn—Gay Porn. It was the first time I saw someone hard-selling titles like Cum Shots 5 or Jockstrap Teens.
The customers look like straight-acting men who are not ready to come out of the closet. I decided to take a peek. The titles were available in both VCD and DVD formats. Tempted, I held one DVD which says Hard 6 Pack Men. On the cover were several seven to nine-inch cocks. I dropped the DVD in shock. People looked at me and so I walked away. I told myself that it wasn’t a good time for porn shopping.
‘What’s wrong with that? You’re gay and you said you’re comfortable..’
‘So what’s wrong with buying you a porn movie which caters to your sexual preference?’
It’s one of the questions I really couldn’t answer at that time. My friend Becky tried to snap me back into perspective. In times like this, she was always ready to rescue me. When I need to buy porn, she does it for me. When I want to copy of OUT magazine, she gets me one so easily. So when I can’t do the porn shopping on my own, she decided to come with me and teach me how to do it discreetly.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
‘How could you do it with someone you don’t know?’
‘Well, it’s pretty simple. You get naked, engage in foreplay, fuck and reach orgasm.’
Wanda gave me an ugly look like she just saw someone lick elephant balls on Fear Factor.
‘And oh, never skip the part where you put on rubber and lube. It’s a given.’
‘Do even feel attracted to the other person? Are your feelings completely diminished while sexual urge takes over?’
‘You got it all wrong. You can’t have sex with someone if you’re not attracted to him. There ain’t going to be an erection.’
‘Hushhh… Will you keep it down. And don’t say that.., thing. Say – sleeping with someone.’
‘Because there's hardly any sleeping. It’s fuck and go.’
The 6-month old pregnant colleague of mine was even more shocked. She thought she was going to get me on her side in the recent scandal involving another colleague who was recently caught being picked up by a stranger at the lobby. Sex with random guys. This has been happening for several months now and nobody had a clue.
About seven years ago, I would have asked the same questions. Back then, I was so naïve that the only place for sex that I had in mind was in the bedroom. Through the years, I have discovered—as well as experienced—that sex can be enjoyed in several other places: the stairs, the restaurant’s bathroom, the church, the fire exit of a condominium, and the basement parking of a residential building. That’s the great thing about sex, you get to be creative and so you get to enjoy it more.
I knew this when I met Fastcar.
The name isn't an alias I made up. He probably made it up. The truth is I really have no idea what his real name is. We met about three years ago online. He was a short guy, a bit beefy but not too muscled. And his being a bottom made it all so perfect.
The not-so-perfect part of it, aside from not knowing his name, is the fact that he didn't have a decent place to fuck. He lives in a condominium building near the police station and doing it in public is so fucking scary.
But I guess nothing really stops a horny top and a hungry bottom from heating things up. Their building has a basement parking and that's where we did it . In broad daylight, at around 2PM, we stood behind a Mitsubishi pick-up and got our freak on. He unbuttoned his pants while caressing my dick. He didn't want to kiss. I was busy licking his nipples which were undeniably tastier than it looks.
Since time was against us ( there was an office located in the basement and lunch time wasn't over yet), I told him I needed to fuck him fast. He pulled out a condom and a sachet which turned out to be a lubricant. I fucked him -- dogstyle -- standing up while he's leaning on the silver blue pick-up. The quickie lasted for about 25 minutes or thereabouts.
As if it wasn't enough, he asked me to come back at 9PM the same day for another round.
'There's not a lot of people so you can fuck me longer.'
'No, you're hot. You're dick is hot.'
And who am I to refuse. He was such an adorable guy who sure knows how to appreciate a good fuck. The second session lasted for almost an hour. He threw the condom at the back of a owner-type jeepney parked near the stairs. The steamy encounter wrapped up just before the guard did his evening rounds.
Fastcar and I have been doing this for three years. Yet, I never found out what his name was. Hell, I don't even know his unit number in that building. If someone were to ask me at the reception area as to who I was looking for, all I can say his Fastcar, the guy I fucked at the basement.
We tried several positions, most of which were done standing up. I never thought you can do a lot standing up. I realized you can if you're pressed for time and if the guards on the ground floor makes you shit scared you just wanna cum and just be done with it. One time, there were only a few cars parked and finding our spot became increasingly difficult. We had to stay behind a pick-up or an SUV since a car wouldn't be enough to cover our sweaty bodies while I pump his ass.
We improvised. He found a cardboard and we used it as our 'bed'. It was the first time we did it lying on the ground.
'You're wild.' He grinned.
"No, you are.'
'You like that?'
Of course I did. I enjoyed every moment we fucked together. When we finished, I tried to talk to him about giving me his name.
'Come on, just give me a name. I don't care if it's your real name or not. I just need to put a name on your face.'
He just smiled, wiped the sweat off his face and led me to the main entrance of the building. This went on for three years. Three years of not knowing the name of the young man you've been fucking. It's almost as if I was having a number of one-night stands in three years and waking up each morning surprised that the bottom you fucked last night took off faster than the mailman.