Caught at home pt. 1

There is an unspoken rule in our family that some things are better left unsaid. Hence, I’ve kept mum about my sexuality for a very long time now. Though it is quite evident that I prefer Mariah Carey over Linkin Park, America’s Next Top Model over Wrestle Mania, and Ambush Makeover over an NBA game, nobody dared to ask me about my sexual preference. After all, I’m not a crossdresser and some people still think I look straight until I open my mouth.

My mother once attempted to find out the truth. I know that she knows but maybe she wants to have some sort of a confirmation—a kind of closure to the whole issue about my sexuality.

One time, there was a documentary entitled ‘Baklitas’ (Young gays). The 7-year-old boy was complaining about how his father is forcing him to act like a ‘real man’. He said he’s constantly asked to play basketball with his cousins and that if he blurts out ‘something gay’, his father would immediately throw him into the bedroom and punish him ‘until I make a man out of you.’

The young boy, bruised and crying from last night, asked, ‘What’s wrong with being gay?’ It was right then that my mom first gave me a sign that it was okay to tell her. ‘Yeah, I agree. Why not?’ She paused, as if waiting for me to react. I changed the channel while she kept talking about how okay it would be for her it she was the mother of that poor boy.

But like what I said, the unspoken rule still exists. I’d rather not discuss things like this because I feel that talking about it would make it look more like it’s not normal.

*

On a sunny Saturday morning, I was appalled at probably the most disturbing discovery I’ve ever had. On the sidewalk of Magallanes was a huge crowd, surrounding many vendors. But that wasn’t the shocking part of it. What surprised me is that they were selling porn—Gay Porn. It was the first time I saw someone hard-selling titles like Cum Shots 5 or Jockstrap Teens.

The customers look like straight-acting men who are not ready to come out of the closet. I decided to take a peek. The titles were available in both VCD and DVD formats. Tempted, I held one DVD which says Hard 6 Pack Men. On the cover were several seven to nine-inch cocks. I dropped the DVD in shock. People looked at me and so I walked away. I told myself that it wasn’t a good time for porn shopping.

‘What’s wrong with that? You’re gay and you said you’re comfortable..’

‘I am.’

‘So what’s wrong with buying you a porn movie which caters to your sexual preference?’

It’s one of the questions I really couldn’t answer at that time. My friend Becky tried to snap me back into perspective. In times like this, she was always ready to rescue me. When I need to buy porn, she does it for me. When I want to copy of OUT magazine, she gets me one so easily. So when I can’t do the porn shopping on my own, she decided to come with me and teach me how to do it discreetly.