Sunday, January 6, 2008

Great Expectations - Page 7 - continued

Problem # 2

Perhaps one of the biggest joys of being single is being able to move around, do whatever you want without anyone restraining you from anything. This is one of the most common arguments that Viktor and I normally have. Sometimes, he acts as if we already got married; that he's Donald Trump and I'm his Melania; that I need to act in a certain way that wouldn't hurt his 'reputation'.

So he constantly reminded me to take [full] control of my hands when I move them. He always asked me to turn down the volume of my iPod when I am Madonna or Mariah Carey on it. He asked me to be conscious of my overuse of gay lingo such as 'chuva' or basically mentioning anything that would give them a hint that I am gay.

'Viktor, times have changed.'
'Yes, but people haven't.'
'Yes they have!'
'Fine, do whatever you want...'

At times that would sound like a threat, like I can do whatever I want as long as I keep my distance from him. But every so often, I would let my guard down, I would surrender to his shallow requests and command such painful control over my actions in public.

Heck, I've even been dragged to his gym to look 'more manly'.

Yes. It's a painful process. But what hurts even more is the ambiguity of our so-called relationship. When asked, he would often get mad. So I figured that talking about two men's relationship would amount to a violation equal to an un-manly wink or an uncontrollable, 'faggoty' laugh.

I hated every moment of it. Everything I wanted in a relationship hasn't happened yet. And no matter how hard I tried to detach myself, he would always find ways to make me come back wanting more of his unreasonable requests... more of rules and vision of how a gay relationship is supposed to operate.


  1. As complicated as this situation was to begin with and perhaps the perceived side benefits from a physical sense, I draw the line at having to compromise your identity.

    Maybe it's because I just got too tired of being in the closet myself that I swore never to compromise my identity ever again but needing to do this so significantly in public would have set off alarm bells everywhere for me.

    Here's my brain yelling, "GET OUT!" =P

  2. Wow! I am really amazed how different my life was and is upon reading you story.

    I dunno how I can comment,I may have my share of similar heartaches but I have survived them all. It's really hard to play their game, but eventually you will learn how to score. Actually I am now reaping the benefits.