Caught ONLINE pt. 1

I believe that every gay guy reaches a stage when he has realized he is a homosexual but is not ready to come out just yet. This is a little beyond the denial phase. I’d like to call is the Stage of Pretense as we pretend to be straight for many reasons: 1. We don’t want our friends/family/society in general to change the way they look at us; 2. We feel we may still bounce back to a state of testosterone surplus; and 3. We are just afraid of not being accepted.

Acceptance is very important for the early stages of gay life. The search for acceptance is the start of the long and tiring wait of walking down the street without being teased, holding hands with a partner without hesitating, admitting you’re gay without being fired or demoted. Yes, although we live in a society so open about such ideals as seen in movies and books, these things still occur. And it pains a gay guy to think that we can’t do anything to avoid it.

***

It wasn’t long before I realized that Joel is probably one of the most famous students in the College of Journalism. He had a pretty face which landed on several TV and newspaper ads. He’s a member of one of the biggest organizations in the campus. Moreover, he has a strong personality which reminds you of Paris Hilton—she’s like the bitch you love to hate.

And I did hate his guts. For one, we would both end up on opposite sides of a debate. He loves to slam other people’s ideas and inject his stupid remarks without thinking of how idiotic it may sound. He was annoying. And although I always fall for an annoying, cute bastard, he certainly didn’t tickle my fancy even for just a moment.

I was still in the Stage of Pretense. I was sexually awake and active in online hook-ups. I became addicted. But of course, I was careful not to reveal my identity. If it would have to come to a point that I will do a one-way (check out the guy and leave without him seeing me) I would just to protect myself. I’ve had several experiences in the past wherein I accidentally meet schoolmates, neighbors, church mates online. Hence, the policy was SEND UR PIC, get mine.

Classes were suspended and the boredom struck me hard in my boarding house. I decided to spice up my afternoon with another hook-up. I found a few guys who were interesting but nobody could carry a conversation better than hotBimale23. I asked for his picture and he sent it immediately. When it was my turn to send mine, I hesitated. I know a lot of guys from school chat on the same site. I might be in big trouble. Still, his willingness to send the pic made me decide I should do the same. There was no hook-up though.

***

The next day, my friend Gina approached me. She told me about the latest rumor circulating.

‘You should be aware..’

‘I don’t see any reason why I should be.’

‘You should because it’s about you.’

‘Me?’

‘Joel just told me you’re gay. He said he has proof and he will show it to everyone. Of course, I just laughed it off and told him you’re not but he just kept saying he proved it last night.’

There was certainly some degree of curiosity in her statement. She was waiting for me to confirm or deny it but was unsure of how she will tell me. I shrugged and smiled. Weeks after this incident, I was forced to come out to Gina.